I was in one of the slowest and most boring meetings of my life at work today between 1 and 2 p.m. As the meeting dragged on, I remember thinking, “oh my god please get me out of here.”

Shortly after, I felt some light floor vibrations, followed by a violent shaking and swaying of my entire building.

Needless to say, the meeting was adjourned as we evacuated the building. I got to leave work early around 2:30 and went and ate bacon cheese fries and drank cosmos with a coworker.

I have no doubt in my mind that what I experienced today was a miracle. How often do you really need an excuse to get out of a really boring meeting and an east coast earthquake happens?

Other thoughts…

This strange red light came on in the SmartCar today on the way to work. My first thought was, “Fuck, what’s wrong with my car?” My second thought was, “That light kind of looks like my vagina.” I’m normal.

I went to Tyson’s Corner for the first time over the weekend and was entertained watching this sushi conveyer belt for a good 20 minutes.

Pancake on my face makes me extra happy. I like fluffy chinchillas that sit on my lappy. This is my second Andy Milonakis reference on the blog. If you can find the first one, I’ll post a picture of myself naked. Oh wait, that’s not much of an incentive to do anything. Nevermind.

We’ve been nuzzling the chinchilla a lot because this is supposed to reassure him that we are not going to eat him…

Even more thoughts:

If you think I’m weird, you should see what I witnessed when I went to visit family the other weekend…

I think I was the only one in the family to not test out the new dog kennel…

They’re normal.

I’ve been making BF go on “evening strolls” to the lake with me. We’re 90 years old. It’s fine.

Happy earthquake day!

Merryland + DC has continued to be an adventure.

I <3 the metro.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Not really.

hello cupcake was conveniently located close to…

Fatty’s Tattooz & Body Piercing.

Finally, somebody named a tattoo shop after me.

Delicious Tweedle Dee TidBits from the Mad Hatter. AKA filet tips, caramelized onions, dijonnaise, and thin fried potatoes. 

Aggressive cranes at the National Zoo…

---

But now, for another edition of “Lexting”—Lexie’s ridiculous texting.

Mom: Hey- I found a used comdom :& in garage…..if u tell me its urs then I won’t b freaked thinkin strangers r using our garage!

Lexie: hahahahahhahahahaha

Mom: Oh so NOT funny!

Lexie: yeah sorry mom I don’t use condoms. wasn’t me.

Mom: ugh. ok

Lexie: yeah they’re too expensive so I just use paper towels

Mom: Please don’t FB this subject- just in case u had ideas!!!

---

She didn’t say anything about not blogging about it…

Ok. Two more quick tangents.

1. I was opening a new bank account and the PNC representative I was working with asked me for my e-mail. “l-e-x-l-u-t-h-o-r-b-o-n-d at gmail.com,” I told him. He entered it into his database, looked at me, smiled, shook his head, and said, “I don’t know WHAT to think of you, Miss Bond.” Secretly, we fell in love despite the fact that he knows I only have $3.55 to my name. 
2. After all the hardships I had with my bank account this past week that I don’t even care to go into, I decided I deserved a little somethin-somethin.

I’m sure this won’t be the last time my neighbors catch me modeling a new pair of shoes on the deck.

Sorry, I’m not sorry.

Last night I was texting my sister Sammy, who is going through some tough times. I felt a little guilty for not being able to comfort her in person, so I tried my best through absolutely ridiculous texting which from name on will be referred to as “Lexting” for short:

Sammy: (insert something mean she said about someone else here)

Lexie: I have a pimple inside my nose. It hurts.

Sammy. Lol. Thanks for the laugh.

Lexie: my farts smell so bad lately that I wish I didn’t have to be in the same room as myself.

Sammy: Omg I just dyed laughin oh man I needed that.

Lexie: I clogged carol’s toilet and didn’t know where to put the extra poop so I put it in dad and carol’s bed.

Sammy: Hahahah Omg I’m with them Hahahah

Lexie: I’m putting joey’s baby clothes on the chinchilla.

Sammy: Hahahahahaaaaaa my insides her

Time for some more TANGENTS:

That is the salad I made last night, which KERF would call a “Hugh Jass” salad. Sometimes bloggers use real cheesecakey words and phrases that make me want to spit on their size four khaki shorts, but I thought “Hugh Jass” was kind of clever. On the other hand, I’ve ruled out the following: “lovely,” “t’was,” and “boy oh boy.” Really. You don’t talk like that. So don’t blog like that. Actually, it’s your blog. Do what you want. And who takes advice from someone who owns/wears a fake Ed Hardy trucker hat (pictured above) anyway?

I got bored with the salad and moved on to Ramen noodles, which I swore off my freshman year of college. Four years later, they are once again delicious.

That is a picture of me preparing to make love to my handheld Black & Decker vaccuum. I got this to clean up after Margaret Thatcher, but kind of have been carrying it around like an accessory. YOU NEVER KNOW WILL THE DIRT WILL BE!!!!

This is the grill. I will probably never take that cover off of it because it scares me. I’m thinking that precious deck space should instead be used for a hammock.

Although I guess there’s probably room for it anyway…

I suppose it could go down there as well. Either way, the poor neighbors will probably see me tanning my inner thighs and become scarred for life.

Well this has all been very worthless. I’m going to go eat Baja Fresh for the third time in a week. The one lady recognizes me and knows I don’t like beans. How sweet <3 She’s probably all like, “yeah you look like someone who is pretty flatulent already and doesn’t need any beans.”

1. Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30

 

I love Level 1 of this DVD, not because it’s easy enough for my weak bod to perform, but because it has some of my favorite strength training moves. Squat and press combination, side lunge and shoulder raise combination, deadlifts, good mornings, faux kettlebell swings… I don’t really care for the cardio and the ab moves however. So today I just did the strength moves and fast forwarded through the riff raff. It was 90 degrees after all.

2. Sunbathing

I went to Frick Park today around 11 a.m. to get a little sun. It was really hot (90+ degrees) so I only lasted about 40 minutes. Still, it will be nice to have some color when I start my new job so people aren’t like, “You’re from Pennsylvania? Yeah I can tell, Pastey.”

3. Money

I deposited three paychecks today. Hallelujah.

4. Juicebox

I picked up lunch today at Juicebox Café, the restaurant I do social media for. Seeing as my other meals consisted of icecream and cereal today, the food tasted especially delicious.

I had the one of the new apple ginger low calorie smoothies. DELICIOUS. I love ginger.

I also had a turkey avocado wrap. Turkey and avocado were made for each other.

5. Hatty hat hat

I picked up a new hat today from Francesca’s on Walnut Street in Shadyside.

It’s love.

Add those all together and you have a nearly perfect day <3

What would happen on your perfect day?

Thoughts:

I recently discovered that my closet has a floor. Mind blowing.

I’ve got a lot of bad luck coming my way…Just what I need when I’m trying to get a job.

I ran out of hair conditioner and I’m too lazy to go buy new stuff. My hair therefore looks and feels like Margaret Thatcher’s Timothy Hay.

Margaret Thatcher says hello from prison.

I’m probably more proud of this “Best Rapper” paper hat than I am of being about to finish college.

These are incredible.

I accidently spent $28 of a gift card on this lip gloss. In my defense, I thought it came with two lipglosses. I’m kind of obsessed with it anyway…

Mommy buys awesome Easter presents.

Happy Easter! My Grammy got those socks for me for Christmas. Yes, this past Christmas.