Sometimes I wish I had a job where stalking people wasn’t my job.

Okay that’s a lie. Underneath my name on my resume it should say “I don’t sleep I creep.”

But that’s actually a lie, too.

Lately I’ve been going to bed around 10 p.m. and getting up at 5 a.m. Today I even took a nap. Goodbye, Lexie. Hello, Granny!

I decided to stop trying to stuff my thighs into pants. I thought about saying “slacks” or “trousers” instead of pants to try and be funny. But I realized that that would just further prove my downward spiral into grannyism.

Also, it’s not even that my thighs are all blubber or anything… I was drinking like 3 protein shakes a day for awhile because I didn’t ever buy groceries, so my muscles have all kind of swelled. Explains the weight gain a little and I feel a little less like a fitness blogger gone fatness blogger.

Random thought: This blog should be renamed “My business casual life.”

Another random thought: Merryland is way sunnier than Pittsburgh, although I knew it would be. I’m either getting tanner already or something is extremely wrong with my liver. Hopefully it’s the former. My health insurance/doctor is back in PA…

Also, apparently my blog was passed around work before I got hired. SO IF YOU’RE FROM WORK GO AWAY. I’m incredibly unfunny and absolutely never post pictures of myself in bathing suits….

Another random thought: There’s a creepy as fuck blind date going on beside me. I have headphones on because I wanted to listen to a song from the Lion King (normal), so they think I’m not listening but I am. I need to get the internet and never come use it at Starbucks again. Sidenote: The man is wearing a Raven’s polo so Holly would probably agree to go on a date with him if she wasn’t a newlywed….

Another random thought. I tried to sign in to YouTube and it auto signed in as someone with the username “the gates of heaven.” I find this ironic because that’s what I nicknamed my front butt.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE FROM WORK GO AWAY.

Laaaaa you

Lately I’ve been getting on the scale and not only acknowledging but also trying to understand my weight gain. I had to think of everything that changed and how that could have lead to weight gain. Here’s what I came up with:

1. My location.

I went from living in a house in South Oakland to an apartment in Squirrel Hill. What does this mean?

When I lived in South Oakland, I had a 20 minute walk to campus. I loved that walk. It was a great way to start my day. I walked that 0.8 mile stretch probably around 4 times a day.

When I moved to Squirrel Hill, I was more than 3 miles away from campus. It would take an entire hour to walk there. I was very pressed for time and it usually wasn’t an option. Therefore, I walked to the corner, caught the bus, and was dropped off right in front of the building my class was in.

2. My job.

I went from working at Disability Resources and Services to working at The Pitt News and doing my internship at Mt. Lebanon Magazine. So?

When I worked at DRS, my day was spent running errands—delivering exams, picking up exam—I was basically the office bitch. Lol.

At The Pitt News and mtl, I sat at my computer for hours at a time without moving. In addition, working late at TPN was an excuse to get takeout. This would sometimes happen twice a week!

3. My roomate(s)

Last year, I lived with five other girls…

This year, I moved in with my boyfriend.

So?

When I lived with the girls, I was totally on my own as far as buying groceries and cooking was concerned. Those girls were not going to baby me and feed me—I had to fend for myself. So for the most part, I was mostly eating salads and stirfrys and sandwiches and smoothies—the only things I know how to make. I also didn’t bother buying any type of treats like ice cream or chips because the roommates were notorious for coming home drunk and eating other people’s food. I highly doubt they were going to come home and munch on my baby spinach.

Living with Tom, he’s more likely to share the food that he buys and cook for me, and I’m also more willing to bring junk into the house. I also frequently talk him into going out or ordering in more often because well, I see him more often.

4. My workouts:

Last year, I was able to get up early and squeeze in my workouts before my day even started, often with my workout buddy, Eve.

This year, that wasn’t really an option. I had to intern in the morning in Mt. Lebanon, which was at least a half hour drive from my apartment. I also had to look presentable at my internship…aka not nasty and sweaty.

I also sometimes worked or had class later than the gym was even open.

As a result, I usually just ended up working out twice a week when I had my scheduled gym class: Zumba in the spring and Pilates (AKA bootcamp hell) in the fall. Occasionally I would fit in a workout video once a week as well.

5. My birth control

I switched from Yasmin to the Nuva Ring in the fall. I liked the Nuva Ring a lot at first, but after three months of it falling out and whatnot, I was ready for the pill again. I didn’t gain weight with the pill the first time, but I definitely gained it the second time. I had been on Yasmin for nearly 6 years when I switched to Nuva Ring, so messing up that consistency was definitely hard on my body.

6. My attitude

I definitely became less interested in health and fitness this year than I was previously. My priorities changed. My classes were rough, I wanted to do well at my jobs, and I was also thinking about what the hell I was going to do after graduation.

So there you have it. The six reasons a year later, I know longer look like this:

But now that I’ve identified the reasons for my weight gain, I can come up with a plan for fixing those things. But I’ll save those for another post

I drive kind of like a grandma ever since I got a speeding ticket on my way home from Maryland.

The officer was nice and wrote it up as “failure to follow traffic signs” and didn’t give me any points on my license.

But since then, I’ve been paranoid. I could have bought a lot of things with that $110 I paid for that ticket, and I don’t want to waste money like that again.

Today when I was driving home from my mom’s house, I was actually passed on the highway by a hearse…

Yes. I was going to slow for the dead.

In other news, yesterday I had the brilliant idea to dip my Nacho Cheese Doritos into guacamole.

Note to self: Not everything needs guacamole.

Dear Tom,

I found the following in the cabinet today:

I stole two pieces.

I have no regrets.

It was awesome.

And I don’t even like coconut!

Well, except for coconut rum.

And O.N.E. coconut water.

And coconut shrimp.

Okay, so maybe I like coconut.

The end.

Love,

Lexie

Margarita and Passionfruit Cupcakes from Dozen Bake Shop on Craig Street in Oakland.

The Fifth Dimension chocolate cake + cheesecake dessert from Gullifty’s on Murry Ave.

Strawberry Pie from Gullifty’s on Murry Ave.

Chocolate raspberry and walnut cheesecake from Roxy’s in Time Square.

“Congradulation” cake from an unknown location for leaving my work study job.

Cake I decorated for my 20th birthday.

I’m having problems…

As it gets closer and closer to my birthday (April 13), all I can think about is

SUGAR.

Yesterday I posted the following status on FB.

The problem is,

I don’t want cake on my birthday, I want cake erryday.

Yesterday, I seriously googled “cake” and just looked at pictures.

This is NOT normal.

Hurry up, Birthday. I’m hungry for

CAKE!!!!!!

I should add that last year, nobody got me a birthday cake. Therefore, I think two birthday cakes this year would be justified.

I like to think that nobody notices when I gain weight because I’m so clever at hiding it. What I mean is, I don’t leave my apartment and stop posting pictures on the blog. Ok, not really.

But I do have some great advice for those that might currently find themselves large and in charge. Or at least larger and in charger than before.

1. Get a haircut.

If you’re feeling bad about your body, you can at least feel good about your hair!

2. Begin accumulating designer makeup.

According to the most recent issue of Shape magazine, men that are looking to “settle down” are more interested in a woman’s face than her body. So maybe you have a muffin top. Don’t neglect your face!

Yeah, nobody is going to be “settling down” with that anytime soon. Ew.

3. If your friends make you go shopping with them, shop for bags, shoes and jewelry.

Trying on clothes will probably depress you. Stick to the accessories. Your friends probably won’t even notice.

4. Wear sweatpants.

Ok so this one is debatable. In fact, yeah, just nevermind. 

5. Lose weight?

I suppose the former fitness blogger in me wants to give you advice to lose that weight, huh? So here it goes: eat your icecream in the morning so that you have all day to burn it off.

Wow these were really terrible tips. That’s the problem with blogs. Anyone can give advice to a large audience. And by large I mean I have five readers and they all have the same last name as I do.

Suckers.

For more of my version of “fat talk,” check out my “not everything needs gravy” tag.

And now for today:

What I want to do today: Sit in Borders for hours and read all the books I’m too cheap to buy.

What I’m going to do today: But instead I’ll clean my apartment.

What I’m more likely to do today instead: But I might get distracted by episodes of Teen Mom I’ve already seen three times before.

What do you WANT to do today? And what are you actually going to do?

I’m lazy and take the Pitt shuttle up to my Zumba class every Tuesday and Thursday.

Last Thursday, my friend Dana and I happened to overhear an interesting tidbit of information on the shuttle.

“You can either be fat or be a bitch. You can’t be both.”

Oh. Shit….

So then I had to decide whether it would be easier to lose weight or to stop being such a bitch.

Yeah, no more giant icing filled cookie sandwiches for me…

Even if they have icing googly eyes and hair…

For more posts on my theory that my brain is that of a 400 pound woman, check out the “not everything needs gravy” tag.

If I was a Fit Girl is slowly but surely turning into Lex and the City–the name of the column I write for The Pitt News. Clever, I know.

Why the change?

Well for one reason, I’ve gotten kind of large and in charge.

Okay, so I’m not large, but I’m larger than before. I blame the “senior surge”–the new freshmen 15.

And I basically decided I’d rather have a fat, funny girl blog than a fit blog. Okay, so I don’t plan to stay large. But still. This will not be a strict fitness blog anymore. I don’t even know how to describe it really, except to say it’s going to be me, Pittsburgh, and probably Margaret Thatcher the chinchilla.

I’ve got lots of ridiculous things to write about. Get excited!

Laaaa ya.

Lexie

So.

Yeah.

I realize that since school has started I’ve fallen off the blog wagon.

But that’s not as bad as the fact that I’ve fallen off the health wagon.

And it’s nothing extreme.

I just don’t get to the gym as often as I want to.

And I’ve been eating some unhealthy items.

But you know what you do when you fall off the health wagon?

If your answer was you get back on, you’re wrong.

The correct answer is:

you look at pictures of when you were ON the health wagon.

Weeeeeeeeeeee.

I mean, I know some people like to look at pictures of like, in shape celebrities to get them motivated…

buuuuttttt

It’s so much more motivating to see pictures of when you think you look good!

So that’s what has inspired me to consume no more evil pumpkin pie poptarts.

Workout:

Today’s I did assisted pullups, lat pull downs, 12 minutes on the treadmill, and 18 minutes on the precor.

Huzzah.

Have a great day guys,

Lexie

If you missed my Punta Cana recap, check it out.

Also, I’m still titling my posts like episode titles of the show Friends. You’re still welcome.

Remember in Charlotte’s Web where Templeton eats all the garbage at the state fair?

Yeah, that’s how I feel about yesterday. Haha. I seem to still be eating like I’m on vacation, and I need to get a handle on that.

Workout:

So because the campus gyms are closed until the semester starts, I’ve had to take advantage of no gym workouts. So I was contemplating what to do on Friday when I remembered Jillian Michaels No More Trouble Zones. I hadn’t done the video in probably a month, so I thought it would be a nice change of pace. Oh, and Tom agreed to do it with me. I was so excited. He always gave me the impression that he thought my videos didn’t count as a strength training workout because the weights I use are too light, so imagine my delight whenever he had to switch to lighter weights before the first circuit was even over. Booyah, Tom.

Anyway, I’m still sore from that workout! And by sore, I mean I can barely walk. Although I did walk yesterday with Nana (my family’s dog, not my grandma). I was feeling a little antsy, so I decided to run with her. It felt great. Although I still can barely walk.

I’m a little behind on the 30 days of insight:

Day 9, 5 things you want to see change:

• the obesity epidemic in the United States
• my likelihood of finding a job in my field after college (lol)
• the number on my scale (I’d like it to go down, haha)
• my weekly running mileage (I’d like it to go up)
• the amount of money in my bank account (I want there to be more!)

Okay, those were really hard to think of.

What are your tips for me to switch off my vacation mode eating?

What are your tips for reducing soreness?
I’ve heard that bananas help with soreness.

Have a fab Sunday,