On Saturday, I woke up at 5 am and set out to run my first half marathon.

Yes, normal people wear glitter eye shadow to run a half marathon.

My mom and brother came to DC to visit and support me in the race. Having them there was amazing. I was calm, I was motivated, and I was excited.

The race started at 8 am, but I didn’t actually cross the start line until closer to 9. The metros were super crowded and I didn’t arrive at Stadium Armory until 10 minutes before the start of the race. I used a port-o-potty for maybe the third time in my life. The experience was horrifying and made worse by the fact that there was no toilet paper. So basically, I had diaper rash by the time the day was over. Someone suggested I ask Rock ‘N’ Roll for a refund. It’s true. I paid $90 for the race—you’d think that would afford me a couple squares of TP.

Before the race. So fresh ‘n’ so clean. Well. Except for the whole no TP episode. At least I didn’t have to number 2.

I passed my mom and brother around mile 2.5. It was really hot out at this point and I wasn’t exactly looking forward to sweating for another 2 hours. But seeing my family and seeing the Capitol Building was really motivating.

At the 5k point, I already had a headache. I stopped at a water station and took some ibuprofen and dropped my ipod on the ground (I did this twice during the race, almost tripping the people behind me when I stopped to pick it up.) 

I was amazed by the people around me. They were all bigger and older than I was, but going at the same pace that I was. “Yeah. This is what you get for not training well, Lexie.” I actually kept up with what looked like a 90-year-old couple until about mile 6 when they get away from me. Yup. Beaten by somebody’s grandparents.

Around mile 5, the hills started. I allowed myself to walk on the hills. My walking pace was just as fast as the people running them, and I knew I was using less energy.

I cannot say enough about how amazing the spectators were between miles 7 and 10. At least five people shouted out to me that they liked my tights. Strangers were cheering for “South Buffalo.” I noticed a surge in my pace every time I went through these spectator-heavy areas. A few people were even handing out beer to the runners.

Around mile 11.5, things got ugly. My right ankle was hurting a lot and I was reduced to walking. I held back tears a couple of times. In my mind I kept telling myself “You didn’t come here to walk, you came here to run,” but even walking was TRULY painful at this point.

About .3 miles from the finish line, I sprinted faster than I had the entire race. I made eye contact with the spectators lining the finish line and found a final surge of energy. I expected to cry, but instead I just smiled. I was handed a finisher’s medal—a medal that I wouldn’t remove for the next three days.

I followed up the race with a nap, a nice dip in the hotel hot tub, three margaritas and an amazing meatloaf dinner at the Copper Canyon in Gaithersburg.

It’s still unreal to me that I’m a half marathoner. I’m definitely interested in tackling this distance again at some point, although I will definitely follow a stricter training plan next time.

And I guess the question is now, what about 26.2? Is the full marathon something I plan to do?

Hah.

I told my mom she had permission to slap me if I ever told her I was going to do a full marathon. I don’t think my Frankenstein feet can handle it.

In November, I signed up for the Rock ‘N’ Roll USA Half Marathon.

I don’t know why I haven’t mentioned it.

I’m weird.

And here’s something that probably doesn’t surprise you…

I’m extremely unprepared. I suppose that’s what you get when don’t follow a training plan whatsoever.

I’m dumb.

So I guess the question I’ve been getting the most is “why?” Why run 13.1 miles?

When I first started this blog, my goal was to run the 2010 Pittsburgh Half Marathon. I was in the best shape of my life that year, but it just didn’t happen. I was running really frequently and it just wasn’t getting any easier. Almost every time I ran, I would get a horrible headache that wouldn’t go away unless I took some sort of pain killer. I did a lot of online research, I emailed a few bloggers, I asked my nutrition professor, I went to my doctor…no one had an answer for me. So at the point, I decided to write off long distance running. It’s just not for me, I told myself.

I didn’t think about running a half marathon again until I saw 11-11-11 discount that Rock ‘N’ Roll Marathon series was offering for its races. I wasn’t nearly in as good of shape as I was in 2010 (and I’m still not), but I signed up. 

When I was about 10 years old, my podiatrist told me that my feet were so flat and growing in such an extreme outward angle, that if I didn’t have them surgically corrected, I wouldn’t be able to walk by the time I was 20. At age 11 and 12, I had an arch built in each foot and had my bones broken and set in the proper direction. I was non-weight-baring on each foot for 4 months at a time, and each time I re-taught myself to walk without any therapy.

After all I’ve gone through with the major construction on my feet, I feel like I shouldn’t take them for granted. Sometimes I think to myself, at age 22, “I shouldn’t be able to walk.” But I can walk. And I can run. So I should. I have the ability to run 13.1 miles, so I’m going to.

But then there was still the issue of the headaches.

After realizing that both my parents have asthma, I had my doctor prescribe me an inhaler to see if maybe the headaches were a result of exercise induced asthma. The inhaler definitely helps a lot, but hasn’t completely cured the headaches. Nonetheless, I’ve managed them well enough to half-assedly train for this half marathon tomorrow.

It’s been an interesting few months of half-assed training, too. I took my first ice bath (while reading You’re a Horrible Person, but I Like You).

I ran my a 5k in 0 degree weather.

And I sacrificed the skin on my pinky toes.

So hopefully tomorrow I will be able to call myself a half marathoner. And if not, someone better come look for me passed out on the streets of DC.

I’ve been known to dress like an American flag on accident…

What can I say? Sometimes when you try to pull off the nautical look, people end up pledging allegiance to you at the bar.

So you can imagine how depressed I was when I forgot to dress patriotic for work. Presidents Day—  legitimate excuse to wear red, white, and blue and not look like a complete nut job—and I forgot about it. I basically live to dress festive. This is not okay.

So here blog, here is my festive outfit. And this picture is only a little slutty, though admittedly it’s still completely douchebaggy. What is it about my webcam that turns me into a complete douche?

In other news, I had some visitors over the weekend…

Sammy, Maddie, and Devin came down from PA and I took them to DC for touristy goodness.

Thanks for visiting, homies. I like you.

Fah-jer came to visit this weekend (yer mah-jer, yer fah-jer, yer mah-jer and yer fah-jer!).

He took me to Annapolis for the first time to eat crabcakes and look homeless.

I don’t know. I think I look homeless.

The crabcakes were from Boatyard Bar & Grill and definitely the best crabcakes I’ve ever had.

I like you, crabcakes. (This was the first time fah-jer has seen the tattoo. I told him it kind of looks like him, no?)

I needed filet mignon with my crabcake. Actually, I need filet mignon with everything. From now on.

Well that’s lovely scenery, but let’s look at me for a little bit, eh?

“Those boots are cool, Lex. They make you look like Davey Crockett.”

Of course my favorite part of Annapolis was the coolest Jack-O-Lantern I’ve ever seen in my life:

Now why didn’t I think of that?

Check out my ‘Merryland’ tag for more Maryland related posts.

Miss the old city? Check out my ‘Pittsburgh’ tag for Pittsburgh related posts.

Or don’t.

First:

Second:

Third:

I guess this makes me a Merrylander now?

A few shocks to my system at the MVA today:

1. The guy asked me my height. I told him. The guy asked me my weight. I slapped him. Okay not really, but I was like, “umm, does that go on my license for the world to see?” Yep. Now everyone who sees my license will know I weight 348 pounds. Cool.
2. That ugly piece of plastic cost me $45. At least it has that delightful picture of a crab on it. Okay yeah, not helping.
3. I made the mistake of looking at the toenails of the man sitting next to me. FYI fellas, extremely long toenails not sexy.

Now for some recent binge spending:

I’ve been dying for a double ring.

Plus feathers are going to be HUGE this fall.

Meow.

Oh Too Faced. Why you gotta go and release a new eye palette.

This Is my fourth Too Faced eye shadow palette called Matte Eye. I also have Smokey Eye, Natural Eye, and Romantic Eye. Obsessed, I know. Also, I couldn’t help but love the fact that one of the shades is called “chinchilla.” <3

I also love that Too Faced shadows come with step by step application instructions.

Great for beginners.

Well this post was pointless. See ya.

Well I’ve been living in Merryland for well over a month now. If Merryland were a boy and we were dating, I totally would have had sex with Merryland by now.

Living down here kind of makes me feel like I’m on vacation…

…I mean, except for the whole working a full time job thing.

Yesterday I checked out Georgetown with Dana. The same Dana that helps me make up my FAQs.

I contemplated buying the Snuggie Sutra while we were down there…

…but I ended up opting for a hat instead.

I swear it looked cute without the 3D glasses.

We saw Harry Potter. And you probably haven’t heard yet but it’s really good.

Although when I went to buy some popcorn like the total binge-er that I am, the guy working the concession stand greeted me with a “What’s going ooon?”

“Umm, yeah, ok. Can I have a small popcorn please?”

“What moooovie are you seein’?”

“Umm, Harry Potter.”

“You on a date?”

“No I’m just here with some friends.”

“That’s what they ALL say.”

Um, what does that even mean?????

That popcorn wasn’t even that good. Definitely not worth the harassment. Although you know what they say: “It’s not harassment if you like it!”

I should add that my shirt was broken during all of this.

Notice my lack of strap on the my one shoulder? Randomly broke sometime before the popcorn incident. Awkward. I should probably stop doing all those pull-ups. My muscles are obviously becoming so strong that they just tear through my clothing.

Also, something’s wrong with my face. But we always knew that, didn’t we?

Merryland + DC has continued to be an adventure.

I <3 the metro.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Not really.

hello cupcake was conveniently located close to…

Fatty’s Tattooz & Body Piercing.

Finally, somebody named a tattoo shop after me.

Delicious Tweedle Dee TidBits from the Mad Hatter. AKA filet tips, caramelized onions, dijonnaise, and thin fried potatoes. 

Aggressive cranes at the National Zoo…

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But now, for another edition of “Lexting”—Lexie’s ridiculous texting.

Mom: Hey- I found a used comdom :& in garage…..if u tell me its urs then I won’t b freaked thinkin strangers r using our garage!

Lexie: hahahahahhahahahaha

Mom: Oh so NOT funny!

Lexie: yeah sorry mom I don’t use condoms. wasn’t me.

Mom: ugh. ok

Lexie: yeah they’re too expensive so I just use paper towels

Mom: Please don’t FB this subject- just in case u had ideas!!!

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She didn’t say anything about not blogging about it…

Ok. Two more quick tangents.

1. I was opening a new bank account and the PNC representative I was working with asked me for my e-mail. “l-e-x-l-u-t-h-o-r-b-o-n-d at gmail.com,” I told him. He entered it into his database, looked at me, smiled, shook his head, and said, “I don’t know WHAT to think of you, Miss Bond.” Secretly, we fell in love despite the fact that he knows I only have $3.55 to my name. 
2. After all the hardships I had with my bank account this past week that I don’t even care to go into, I decided I deserved a little somethin-somethin.

I’m sure this won’t be the last time my neighbors catch me modeling a new pair of shoes on the deck.

Sorry, I’m not sorry.

Yesterday I pretended I know a lot about taking the metro and stuff and managed to get Tom and myself to the zoo in DC.

You know what I like about the zoo in DC? It’s free. You know what else I like?

Giant panda!!! He was the most special animal I’ve ever seen. Well, besides Margaret Thatcher.

These little Degu’s are actually related to chinchillas. They were less fat though. Sorry Mags.

You know what I didn’t like about the zoo? At one point this orangutan sat right on ledge in front of me. After he made sure he had my full attention, he proceeded to vomit and then eat it. I almost vomited myself. Stupid monkey. 

Afterwards Tom and I went to Hot & Juicy Crawfish. I ordered the chicken nuggets because eating something that still has eyeballs kind of freaks me out.

Well this has all been very informative, I’m sure. I’ll go shave my back now.

Sometimes I wish I had a job where stalking people wasn’t my job.

Okay that’s a lie. Underneath my name on my resume it should say “I don’t sleep I creep.”

But that’s actually a lie, too.

Lately I’ve been going to bed around 10 p.m. and getting up at 5 a.m. Today I even took a nap. Goodbye, Lexie. Hello, Granny!

I decided to stop trying to stuff my thighs into pants. I thought about saying “slacks” or “trousers” instead of pants to try and be funny. But I realized that that would just further prove my downward spiral into grannyism.

Also, it’s not even that my thighs are all blubber or anything… I was drinking like 3 protein shakes a day for awhile because I didn’t ever buy groceries, so my muscles have all kind of swelled. Explains the weight gain a little and I feel a little less like a fitness blogger gone fatness blogger.

Random thought: This blog should be renamed “My business casual life.”

Another random thought: Merryland is way sunnier than Pittsburgh, although I knew it would be. I’m either getting tanner already or something is extremely wrong with my liver. Hopefully it’s the former. My health insurance/doctor is back in PA…

Also, apparently my blog was passed around work before I got hired. SO IF YOU’RE FROM WORK GO AWAY. I’m incredibly unfunny and absolutely never post pictures of myself in bathing suits….

Another random thought: There’s a creepy as fuck blind date going on beside me. I have headphones on because I wanted to listen to a song from the Lion King (normal), so they think I’m not listening but I am. I need to get the internet and never come use it at Starbucks again. Sidenote: The man is wearing a Raven’s polo so Holly would probably agree to go on a date with him if she wasn’t a newlywed….

Another random thought. I tried to sign in to YouTube and it auto signed in as someone with the username “the gates of heaven.” I find this ironic because that’s what I nicknamed my front butt.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE FROM WORK GO AWAY.

Laaaaa you

My first day of work was kind of blah. Here’s a look at what I wore and a little glimpse at my new room in Merryland. Yes. I’ve been calling it Merryland. Also, my thighs are becoming uninterested in being contained by pants. Look at them just trying to break through.  Also notice the faux Ed Hardy hat on my bookshelf. It’s quite possible that I’m a tool.

Here’s a look at what I’ve been doing in Merryland:

(Jaleo’s in DC)

Crumbs! Don’t worry. I only ate with my eyes.

My dream car. I thought long and hard about what I’m going to name my Smart Car when I get it, and I’ve settled on George Bush. He’s like, the smartest man ever, and he’s also my dream man, so I figured I’d name my dream car after him. Also, I’d like to name everything in my life consistently, so I’ll just carry on with the political names. *cough* Margaret Thatcher *cough*.