David Thorne is and always will be a hero of mine. You probably know him as the guy who tried to pay a bank balance with a drawing over a spider.

Last year, I had the chance to pretend to be as funny as David when I got an e-mail from my old high school band director:

Dear Alumni,

Just a reminder that this Friday is the First Annual Alumni Night.  The information is attached.  Friday night is a “white out” night.  Therefore, try to wear something white.  Otherwise, Leechburg blue will work as well. You will be provided with a free Hot Dog or Hot Sausage at the band booster’s concession stand after the half-time show! I also attached an information sheet which will be read after the pre-game show.  Please print them, fill them out, and give them to me at the game. Just in case you are curious, I attached the list of participants. You should have received your music in the mail a few weeks ago.  Let me know if you didn’t. I will also let you know where to stand on Friday.  You will receive a chart and instructions. See you Friday!

Rob Reams

RE:

Rob,

Is it okay for me to call you Rob now that I’ve graduated? Anywho, I just wanted to let you know that I don’t eat pork products anymore. I read the book "Eating Animals" by Jonathan Saffran Foer, and instead of turning me into a vegetarian, it just convinced me to stop eating pig products. You see, pigs are actually more intelligent than dogs and make great pets. If you’re interested in seeing a pig perform tricks like a dog, I’d suggest looking up Notrious P.I.G (named after the late Notorious B.I.G., of course) on youtube. So yeah, I won’t be able to accept the hot dog unless its an all beef hotdog.

Lexie

RE:

Lexie,

Rob’s fine.  No problem.  They are probably pork.  Thanks for letting me know.  See you Friday!

Rob Reams

RE:

Rob,

I’ll just bring my own beef hotdog. I’ll bring one for you too since I’m sure that you’ve looked up Notorious P.I.G. by now on youtube and have stopped eating pig products as well. Also, I just recently remembered that I traded my clarinet for a ps3 a few years back. I don’t know a lot about electronics, though, so my ps3 just ended up being a ps2 with the two whited out and a 3 written over it. Anyway since I no longer have my clarinet, I’ve choreographed a routine to the pregame songs to perform instead. I think it will be a big hit.

Lexie

---

Anyway, like the nerds that we are, my friends and I participated in the first annual band alumni night.

It was mildly embarrassing, but then again so is my face.

I’m normal.

So approximately a year later, I get an e-mail regarding the 2nd Annual Band Alumni Night.

Dear Alumni,

We are planning to hold the second annual Alumni Night for band and band front alumni this fall during the first home football game.  It will be on Friday Sept. 2nd and we will be playing during pregame again.  More details will follow later this summer.

Spread the word.  If you know someone who may be interested have them email me and I’ll put them on the mailing list.

If anyone wants to organize something more than just the game, feel free.  This is your band.

  Rob Reams

RE:

Roberto,
 
I hope this e-mail finds you well.
 
I’m writing with extreme interest in participating in the second band annual Alumni Night.
 
Unfortunately, I’ve recently moved out of the state and am worried about the travel expenses. If I provide the Leechburg Band Alumni Association with my gas receipts, do you think they can reimburse me for my travel costs? I’m not sure such an association exists, but if it does, Eve Hebrank is probably president of it. Also, I imagine they don’t have to reimburse anyone else for travel costs, as I think I might be the only Leechburg graduate to ever move out of Leechburg. Which is understandable, I guess. The town boasts such a vibrant, active night life and varied culinary dining options.
 
Also, I wasn’t sure if you’d picked out the music that the alumni will perform, but I’ve attached some recommendations.
 

 

Surprisingly, Marching Band version here:

  Let me know what you think.
 
Lexie Bond
Sales Associate
XLgrannypanties.com
A Victoria’s Secret subsidiary

RE:

Lexie,

Great suggestions. We’ll do all of them.  Anyway, there isn’t any Alumni Association so there isn’t any money for travel expenses. 

Sorry.

Rob Reams

Rob,

Fantastic. I look forward to getting the music as I actually plan to rehearse this year, unlike last year when I opened up my clarinet case an hour before Band Alumni Night to find that I didn’t have a mouthpiece. Luckily Sara Anderson had an extra, which I kept because she never gave me gas money for driving her home from Pittsburgh that day. She also refused to buy my drink from Sonic on the way home even though it was Happy Hour and the drink only cost 50 cents.

Naturally I’ll have to sell a few items so I can afford the trip back to Leechburg as I’ve relocated to another state. You know what I should sell? My clarinet. Maybe see if anyone in the band wants to buy it. I’ll throw in a jar of Oreo filling as well. That’s a great deal. Do you know how long/how many Oreos it takes to fill an entire mason jar with Oreo filling?

I was also wondering what the dress code is for the Leechburg Alumni Band Bar Crawl you’re sponsoring after the performance. Are we all wearing spare band uniforms or should I just dress casually?

Lexie Bond
Vice President
Mustache Envy Association

---

Taking past precedent into consideration, I don’t think I’m going to get any further responses from Reams.

Oh wait, I’m always awesome.

Hey cupcakes :)

Workout:

Yesterday’s workout was 20 minutes on the treadmill during my lunch break. I’m seriously lovin’ on this idea of working out during my lunch break! I mean, I’m a disgusting mess when I get back to work, but it’s worth it to not have to go to the gym after work. Mimi from Damn the freshman 15 was saying how she works out early so she doesn’t have to do it after work. I’ve done this approach too and I love it! Unfortunately, the campus gym doesn’t open early during the summer. But during the school year I plan to get back to doing AM workouts. I find that I’m less likely to skip a workout if I do it in the morning or on my lunch break as opposed to at the end of the day.  

What time do you prefer to work out?
And your answer better not be never! :-p

And for your amusement, I find it necessary to post the best of my tweets since most of them are in fact just song lyrics.

The best of @pennylaaaane’s tweets:

• And thats the second person ive seen dressed as a taco today. 4:40 PM Apr 28th
• Omg so funny. The african union wants to copy the euro and call it the afro. Im dying. Hahahaha 11:07 AM Apr 8th
• @rissakole I love sextra credit. 1:19 PM Mar 31st
• Just got hit on by a homeless guy. Hahahahaha. 6:27 PM Mar 27th
• Just saw a bearded lady. Wow oakland. Just wow. 1:23 PM Mar 18th
• And to add insult to injury, i shall now present to you my fanny. 12:17 AM Feb 28th
• If I were a boy, I’d pop more cherries than tampons. 4:50 PM Feb 15th
• My feet were in conflict today. Mismatching socks, one adidas, one nike, and puma shoes. Sorry for the confusion, frankenstein feet. 11:04 PM Feb 3rd
• When my chinese professor says atheism it sounds like ass-ism. Giggle. 12:12 PM Jan 26th
• I was just thinking about the nicest thing tom has ever said to me: “ud never see someone with a pretty face like yours in a porno.” lol 11:58 AM Jan 26th
• Why does almost everyone in my lit class have a british accent? I feel like im getting punked. 6:09 PM Jan 25th
• “X gonna give it to ya” came on at Hollywood tans today. You can do it with my name too! “Lex gonna give it to ya! she gon’ give it to ya!” 2:26 PM Jan 25th
• Some chick on true life is addicted to world of warcraft. Toms probably breaking up with me for her… Lol.  
• My fortune: This suspense is exciting, i hope it last. Lol 3:24 PM Dec 28th, 2009
• I like getting tom christmas presents that he could potentially kill me with. (I got him a cast iron skillet)
• I suck at wrapping presents. I’m like the worst female ever. 12:41 AM Dec 22nd, 2009
• I’m glad I got a 94 on a final I prepared really poorly for. I rock. And roll. All day long. Sweet susie. 1:43 PM Dec 20th, 2009
• @thisisSOuseless LOL apple juice and tequila? That is the recipe for mental bleach.
• Can u give a black guy hot chocolate or will he just be like, i dont need hot chocolate i AM hot chocolate…. 8:06 PM Dec 15th, 2009
• What are these strawberries doing on my nipples? I need them for the fruit salad… 8:07 PM Dec 13th, 2009
• @dingaling12 I like pancakes, I like pancakes. They make me a happy Peter. 9:49 PM Dec 10th, 2009
• @dingaling12 I think you need to get laid. You’ve been cranky lately. Lol 7:18 PM Dec 10th, 2009
• I woke up pantless in a huge pile of vomit this morning. 1:56 PM Dec 6th, 2009
• Never party with high school boys. Theres vomit everywhere. 11:30 AM Dec 6th, 2009
• There aint no party like a Lexie party cause a Lexie party don’t stop. 9:11 PM Dec 5th, 2009
• True life: i have a nyquil addiction
• Bourbon at 9am. I love my family’s solution for a sore throat. 10:22 AM Nov 20th, 2009
• Omg watching hgtv. Can a girl turn into a gay guy cause i think i am…
• Putting on my bathing suit and dancing to techno music… my new saturday afternoon ritual. 1:49 PM Nov 14th, 2009
• @rissakole It’s more fun than my new found allergy to latex. LOL. But FML for real. 3:05 PM Nov 13th, 2009
• Its times like these that i miss my stripper pole. Lol
• Standing at the bus stop. I was really cold until journey came on my ipod and warmed my soul. Lol 8:00 PM Nov 3rd, 2009
• Pennylane drank too much last night. Never try to out drink an Irish man.
• Only my roommates would find 3 irish guys and adopt them for the weekend. 2:22 PM Oct 4th, 2009
• @thisisSOuseless my plan is to go to night class and slit my wrists vertically, not horizontally. 6:29 PM Sep 28th, 2009
• @furiouslilcass new favorite snack: gin 10:19 PM Aug 26th, 2009
• #fatpeoplearesexier with clothes on 12:54 PM Aug 25th, 2009  (fat people are sexier was a trending topic).
• I like to make deliveries at work while listening to the power rangers theme song on my ipod. it makes me feel as tho my job is important. 3:50 PM Aug 21st, 2009
• I lost track of how many shots of so co I had, but I remember needing an ice pack for my crotch. 10:09 AM Jul 21st, 2009
• Your lies are like bananas. They come in big yellow bunches. 12:18 AM Jul 17th, 2009
• “i said i loved you and you responded hours later with something about a roast beef sandwich.” 5:34 PM Jul 2nd, 2009
• “I watched a giant sea turtle lay eggs and ur still talking about how u got to wear a fat guy suit at work?” 1:54 AM Jul 2nd, 2009
• Aaaaaaand he’s single now :-) jon gosselin here i come.
• “this would be funny but we need a rubber chicken” 9:18 PM Jun 14th, 2009
• “if you’re not a fan of Journey then im not a fan of you.” 4:37 PM Jun 14th, 2009
• Every guy should think like MIMS: “I don’t care bout your breasts you can be an A cup, I know what I like and baby that’s below the waist.” 1:56 PM May 28th, 2009
• Dear nickelback, why do all of your songs sound the same? Love, lexxy 9:02 PM May 27th, 2009
• The work day goes by so much faster with a little vicodin. 4:54 PM May 18th, 2009
• @cyanidebuttrfly Yeah, I like how a white outline of a penis squirting into spencer pratt’s mouth got mistaken for porn. Clearly not real! 5:47 PM May 13th, 2009
• I just got accused of looking at porn at work. Thank you @PerezHilton for drawing dicks all over your pictures.
• “abby, what is the circumference of your nipples?” -maddie 12:13 AM May 9th, 2009
• Pipe smokers make better lovers. 10:10 AM May 6th, 2009

Love ya,

Lexie