An acquaintance of mine was filling out an online dating profile recently and it got me wondering,

If I had to fill out an online dating profile, what would it say?

According to this article called “How to make a good online dating profile,” the most important thing is the picture. It suggests one of your face,

And one with your full body.

It also recommends posting a  picture of yourself in uniform if you have one.

Luckily I do…

Excellent.

The next most important thing is what you write.

Well that’s perfect!

I majored in writing. I should be good at this.

According to the article, in this portion of your profile, you are to sell yourself. Like a prostitute. Not even kidding, it said “like a prostitute.”

1. Start with a one liner:

I hope you like it well done cause I do it well.

I don’t sleep, I creep.

All around the world statues crumble for me.

I don’t really find monogamous relationships appealing because I feel like I have a whole lot to offer and it would be unfair to offer it only to one man.

2. Already offer the opportunity to meet/chat with someone:

I’ve only lived in the DC area for about 3 months now and hardly know anyone, so it’d be great to meet someone and do something other than watch my Hugh Grant DVD collection over and over.

3. Prove that you have friends, and use something positive: (whoops, I kind of blew that one in number 2)

My friends would probably describe me as kind of a bitch and mildly creepy. But when it really comes down to it, I’m extremely reliable and hardly ever late. That’s important, right?

4. List off some of your hobbies. “Music” is not a hobby, nor is “Movies”. Generally, the best thing to do is mix one geeky (disturbing) hobby (i.e. “Watching magical girl anime naked”) with two normal hobbies, like “running” and “reading”. This is where you can set yourself apart.

Seeing as I’m a huge attention whore, my favorite activity is blogging. I also really like lifting weights and playing with my chinchilla, Margaret Thatcher. I blog about these things. But don’t worry, I hardly ever blog about my relationships. Except for that one time, and I deleted it almost right after. I save all my guy-bashing for Twitter.

5. Name a generally safe activity, i.e. “a cup of coffee at Starbucks” or something. It makes resulting discussions easier. Always pick somewhere safe, never like “come over to my house and spoon while we watch American Psycho“, it creeps people out.

If I sound seck-see to you, I’d love to meet up and emasculate you by beating you in a pull up contest or out-eating you at  a Chinese food buffet.

Here’s to, hopefully, establishing the type of relationship where we can fart in front of each other freely. That’s what romance is all about, right?

Admit it, you’d totally date me.

My good friend and rap partner Andy recently sent me the last copy of The Pitt News that I’ll have a column in. Unfortunately, the content never made it online. So here it is, unedited. Well, the only thing that really got edited was the part about vaginal tightening cream.

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When I was a freshman in 2007, my high school friend came to Pitt to visit me for my birthday. Amazed by how many guys were on campus, she asked me if any of them every walked up to me and hit on me. The word “no” barely escaped my lips when a guy did indeed walk up and ask me my name. With our heads both cocked confusedly to the left, my friend and I scrunched our faces in the “wtf” position before the guy walked away sadly muttering “I’m just trying to meet people” under his breath.

As you’ve probably already assumed, Pitt is just as much a hook up wonderland as it is an academic wonderland. But surely not everyone wants to get laid.

In my four years at Pitt, I’ve accumulated plenty of tips for making sure a member of the opposite sex wouldn’t join you in bed even if you had bag over your ugly mug. Of course I learned these all on accident, I wasn’t necessarily trying to assure I end all my nights alone save for a $5 pizza for one and an old Freddie Prinze Jr. movie. But I don’t see why they can’t be applied to people that generally wish to avoid attention to their “south of the borders.”

First, let’s consider how you’re dressed. Over the years, I’ve come to recognize what I like to call “the freshman girl uniform.” The only difference being the length of the denim shorts—somehow, they just keep getting shorter with each incoming class. The barely there denim dental floss is complimented with whatever floral tank top American Eagle is selling at the time. It’s the exact same floral tank top, but generally comes in red floral, green floral and blue floral. Top that off with a Panther Card baring Pitt lanyard and some flip flops and you’ve got the freshman girl uniform.

If you don’t want laid, definitely don’t fall victim to this uniform. I’ve come across a few items of clothing no one has ever hit on me while wearing. First off and most important, the turtle neck. I don’t care how hot it is outside, if you’re committed to keeping your legs closed then you will sweat in that man repelling chest and neck protector.

Next let’s consider footware. Most heels not only serve to make your legs and ass look fantastic, but they also serve to send a message. That message being “come f**k me.” My recommendation? A pair of oxfords. These shoes are fashionable enough to get away with amongst your fellow females all while sending the message to men that “Sure, I could have sex with you, but I’d rather go alphabetize my Hugh Grant DVD collection.”

Now that you’re dressed like a prude, let’s consider what you should say to the man that dares to attempt to penetrate your less than interested bubble. Consider insulting his major. Many men are sensitive about this for some reason. Especially law school students. A guy in a bar was once bragging to me about being a law school student at Pitt when I made the mistake of saying, “I thought Pitt wasn’t a very good law school?” The guy then became more interested in defending his debt-wracking school choice and less interested in me and my conservative cardigan. Looking back I can’t even blame him for getting worked up. It must suck getting rejected from Harvard.

The only major a guy can have that I feel you shouldn’t insult is that of engineering. These guys are what I like to call “marriage material.” Sure they’re probably a little off their rocker, but they’re also probably more likely to be successful. They also might be willing to watch “Titanic” with you—the true test of how much a guy is willing to put up with in order to get his foot in your dorm room and his heart of the ocean in your sunken ship. Alright, sorry, that one didn’t even make sense.

Finally, let’s consider your pad. No, not your panty-liner (gross), but your dorm room. There are certain interior design techniques that are bound to make him run in the opposite direction. AKA, gross stuff to leave lying around. Vaginal tightening cream and jumbo sized tampons usually do the trick. If you want to go a subtler route, deck out your side of your pie slice Towers room with all things Hello Kitty—from your Hello Kitty bed spread to your Hello Kitty feminine facial hair bleacher. Nothing will make him say goodbye to your kitty faster than a room covered in Hello Kitty. I mean, are you in college or are you in kindergarten? I’ve really learned my lesson on this one. I now hide my Hello Kitty piggy bank in my closet.

Alright ya prude. Now go learn something.

If you’re interested in purchasing extra-large granny panties at a discounted price, e-mail lexluthorbond@gmail.com for more details.

“Lexie, you seriously found the ugliest guy at the bar and started talking to him.”

Whoops…

This morning when I was making a salad for breakfast (I’m normal), I remembered I forgot about one of the best parts of this night. Before law school boys even approached, my friends and I were approached by a different guy.

He asked me if I went to Pitt and I said yes do you? No, I work at the University he said (with a grimace on his face) as a cook.

It took everything in my power to not reply, “That’s hot.”

So I went for the next worst thing: “Do you really put laxatives in the food?”

I needed to know why campus food makes my digestive system go into freak mode more than Dave and Andy’s ice cream (I’m lactosintolerant…and I’m not very bright).

No, he said, we just really grease it up so it has nearly the same effect.

At this point I became more interested in my screw driver (I’m also a ninety year old woman, apparently) and less interested in the guy. After all, I had gotten the only information I figured I’d ever need to know from a University cook.

So guys, depending on your motives, you don’t have to be honest about your business. I probably would have believed the guy if he told me he was a basketball player (he was black after all) and my friend Jessica probably would have gone home with him. Lol Jess I’m just kidding. BUT, if you’re going to lie about it, just don’t pretend you go to Pitt Law School.

Ladies, depending on your standards and if you don’t mind a little grease, there might be potential in a University cook after all. And I mean, it’s not nearly as bad as being a Pitt law student.

Fuck…I’m a bitch.

Or Willie Wonka. Nice sunglasses, Lexie.

Last night I went out to several Oakland bars with my friend Jessica and her cousin Kate. Jessica and I always get tons of attention when we go out together because she’s smokin’.

So I wasn’t surprised when three boys came up to us at one of the bars and started talking to us. One of the first things one of the boys said was that they all went to law school.

Am I supposed to be impressed?

Lol.

So I playfully say, “I hear Pitt’s not even a very good law school.”

One of the boy goes into complete freak mode and tells me that it’s very audacious of me to talk down on a law school to someone who goes there.

I’m in complete shock at the tone of voice he’s using, so I raised my eyebrows at him. So he says, “Do you even speak English or do you just talk with your eyebrows?”

Well I don’t really care to talk to someone that’s speaking to me in that tone of voice.

Also, it’s very clear that you got turned down from Harvard–seeing as you’re so defensive about going to Pitt.

When it comes to law school, it matters very much where you go. Is Pitt a terrible law school? No. But when you’re trying to show off about going to law school, am I really in the wrong for playfully calling you out for not even going to that great of a law school?

Note to guys: Don’t brag about going to law school. It’s really not that sexy. Obviously you have a ton of debt in student loans. Don’t talk to me until you’re actually a lawyer. (Lol just kidding, kind of).

Note to ladies: Obviously insulting someone’s law school is on the same level as telling someone they have a small dick. Not that I would ever tell someone that. I’m not THAT big of a bitch.

Or maybe I am.