lately i’m…

1….thinking cute strappy front bathing suits are best left for night swims:

2. …expecting to wake up with a mouse in my hair.

It was my first week in my new apartment living alone. I had just gotten back from a fun weekend in Myrtle Beach with my crew. Out of the corner of my eye I saw it run past the wall nearest my TV–a mouse. I saw it three more times that night and briefly considered downloading Tinder just to see if anyone within a mile radius wanted to come over and handle my mouse. I only imagine this would be slightly misleading when they showed up and I handed them mouse-catching tools.

I set 4 mouse traps, shutting my own hand in the trap no less than four times. The traps remain empty to this day. So I’ve decided to reframe the situation. I don’t have a mouse problem. I have pet mice.


3. …sporting a new whip.

Last November, I rear ended an SUV on 495 hard enough to push it into the pick up truck in front of it. RIP Phillip Smartcar Hoffman. The nice thing about totaling a smart car and living to blog about it is that it gives you an optimistic new outlook on life… and it drives you straight into the arms of a bigger, safer vehicle. Meet my Honda HRV, which I’ve lovingly named HRV Positive.

I feel like the new whip says “I’m almost 30 but I’m still fun.” Which is probably better than what the smart car said, which was, “I’m almost 30 and I have a death wish.”

4… chasing waterfalls. Literally.


(Catoctin Mountain Park. This is Brandon’s shirt I stole. Sorry Brandon.)

Four years ago when Brandon told me to “get a hobby,” I think my two strongest ideas were hard drugs and smart car ubers. Someone could have told me that hiking was just taking long walks in the woods. This might be the only healthy hobby I’ve ever had.

5. …convinced that the older I get, the more I look like a Hanson brother.

6. …wondering how many more pictures of myself I can fit into this blog post before Carley Simon starts playing. Maybe just one more good one.

7. …getting around to doing the things I always said I was going to do.


I did my first stand up set last week with Underground DC at the Big Hunt. The video is most likely soon to follow. Putting it online means accepting the fact that I’ll probably never be able to run for office but I think that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. I don’t compliment myself often, but I was super impressed with my ability to achieve the perfect level of intoxication to deliver the set with maximum confidence while not forgetting or screwing up the punchlines.

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