…that I caught the mouse.
The last time I blogged, I wrote that I checked all four of my mouse traps for weeks without ever catching anything. My landlord has an exterminator come to the building once a month, so I assumed I was probably in the clear. One Saturday I’m cleaning my kitchen, and there behind the kitchen trash can is a dead mouse in a trap.
Forget everything I ever said about being a single independent woman. Ladies, if you don’t want to clean up a mouse corpse, there should be no shame in texting every man you know and offering to buy him a steak if he comes and handles your deceased rodent disposal.
I have to give myself a little credit though–Shaheen may have picked up the body but I scrubbed the blood off the floor. Plus, we took our friendship to a whole new level! How many friends can you say you’ve cleaned up a dead body with
…if you ever find yourself in the outdoor DC Sculpture Garden…
…there’s a statue that has my exact boobs.
No joke. You’ve now basically seen my boobs.
…that among my many talents, I’m excellent at coming up with monologues
I’m also great at roasts and figuring out who would play you in a movie. Just know you might not like the answer. Bailey will never forgive me for telling her that she’d be played by Kathy Bates.
…my natural reaction when I realize I’m starting to have feelings for someone.
But that I secretly (or I guess not so secretly) crave a love so deep it would make the ocean jealous. And yes, I stole that from Khloe Kardashian’s Instagram bio.
…if you’ve ever purchased a family size bag of Doritos from Costco and it wasn’t for a party…
…you’ve probably given up on life.
…secret single behavior is making a comeback.
For the first time in three years, I’m living alone again and therefore, secret single behavior is making a comeback. Again, my life is an open blog, so nothing with me is really a secret. Like, yes I like to do squats in my stilettos in front of a mirror to work my leg muscles in different ways. And yes, I will leave my clothes in the dryer and use it as a second closet to get dressed out of the mornings instead of hanging clothes up. And no, it’s not weird to eat pickles for dinner when you live alone.
…you might be old if…
…you are at the pool on a Sunday afternoon and you are tempted to tell the girls next to you to turn down their Drake music because you’re trying to read Hemingway.
…but you’re not that old if…
…you woke up completely topless on a Sunday at midnight a few weeks prior, see a vomit stain on your floor, look through your phone and realize you ubered back from brunch at 3 but that 15 minutes prior to that you called someone in your phone named “Plan B” and have no idea who it is.