I was a nerd in high school.

I didn’t drink, smoke, or party. I didn’t get pregnant and score a spot on the cast of “Teen Mom.” In fact, I even called penises “pee-pees.” Ok, so I still call them “pee-pees.” Sexy, I know.

And now when I hear about the crazy things high school kids do now (vodka soaked tampons, anyone?), I feel even more like a square. But I was feeling adventurous last week and jumped at the opportunity to try something that the cool high school kids were doing–happy pills.

A youngster who shall remain anonymous told me over Baja Fresh that the Smoothie King right across the parking lot sold “Happy Pills,” and that if you take enough of them, they basically get you high.

We proceeded to walk across the parking lot and buy all the Happy Pills that Smoothie King had. Each package was $1.99 for two pills. I ended up with about $15 worth of yellow, smiley faced packages.

Two happy pills contain the following:

Vitamin D3 800 iu
Niacinamide 30 mg
Vitamin B6 40 mg
Folic Acid 50 mcg
Vitamin B12 800 mcg
Selenium 50 mcg
Arginine AKG 250 mg
St John’s Wort 0.3% Hypericin 300 mg
Caffeine Anhydrous 200 mg
5HTP 50 mg
N Acetyl L Tyrosine 500 mg

According to the manufacturer, Brain Pharma, Happy Pills serve as a

  • Natural Serotonin Booster
  • Safe Non-Prescription to Antidepressants
  • Effective Mood Enhancer
  • Mild Energizer ( Non-Jittery Formula)
  • Convenient, Long Lasting Dosages
  • No Sexual Side Effects
  • Weight Loss
  • Increase Libido

    • I immediately took two when I got home at 9:30 pm. By 10:30 pm, I desperately wanted to play Dance Dance Revolution.This was especially strange as I’m pretty sure I had a broken toe at the time.

    After 20 minutes of playing through toe pain, I went to bed and instantly fell asleep. Although not before making the following Facebook post:

    i’m sitting in the room next to you and hoping you don’t notice i keep listening to music by people that star on the disney channel. gaaaa bless happy pills. and the disney channel. ahhhhmen.

    I woke up feeling fine and excited to share the pills with some friends at work.

    “This will be awesome,” I thought. “We’ll all be doing cartwheels around the office and this will make our work day so much better.”

    (This may be unrelated to the happy pills and more related to me being a whore, but I dressed like a complete skank for work that day. Like seriously. There was talk around the water cooler about how skanky I was dressed. Let’s just say there were giraffe printed tights and a mini skirt involved. I’m sincerely hoping that poor fashion decision was the result of the pills.)

    As it turned out, none of us really felt particularly happy at all. I went home after work and cried for no good reason for an entire hour, and another coworker said he almost fell asleep while driving home. Random uncontrollable sobbing and potential car crashes. Can you say worst happy pills ever?

    And this could be more related to the drinking I did later that night and less related to the happy pills, but I vomited a considerable amount of blood the morning after. I probably wouldn’t have mentioned it, except for this other review I found online:

    not long after taking these i felt nauseous, dizzy and threw up. I did not feel happy at all. Would deffinatly not reccomend these pills

    So basically, I will not be messing with these pills again anytime soon. I know I joke around about doing hard drugs a lot, but when it comes down to it, I can’t even deal with the tricked out vitamins they sell at Smoothie King. Time to go back to being a square.

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