Every once in a while, I stumble across something that I’ll consider a “game changer.” An insight or a bit of knowledge that shakes up my belief system and makes me question how I could possibly have had it so wrong for such a long time.
Being single at 27 is a hell of a lot different than being single at 24–and I don’t just mean because my looks are on a steep decline and my disposable income is on an inverse trajectory (quite the opposite really).
As much as I feel as though I’m less apologetic about what I want and what I don’t want, I’ve found this creates an extra layer of vulnerability. To put it in 24-year-old Lexie terms, I’ve learned to open my heart with the ease that I once opened my legs.
That was vulgar.
Feelings are the best and feelings are the worst. And for whatever reason, I have an impossible time concealing them. Nine times out of ten, I’m the first one to say “I love you” in a relationship–which seems like an odd fraction given that I’ve dated like, 2 1/2 people in my life (also an odd fraction since I’ve dated only full bodied people. Can you believe I used to be an algebra tutor?).
Subtlety has never been my strong suit. So despite how open I am with my little heart and my little feelings (my friends like to refer to an infamous Lexie Bond sobbing drunk message I left an ex-boyfriend proclaiming “I have a little heart too you know–with little feelings!!”), this has not always been the case with the objects of my affection.
I’ve found myself in the grey area enough to wonder if maybe I should just make it my permanent residence because, well fuck, the rent there HAS to be cheaper than the rent in NW DC.
Here’s where the game changer came for me though.
If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.
One of my favorite Lana Del Ray lyrics is “When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making me crazy/If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?”
And I used to think like that. That if I was prettier/smarter/funnier/wealthier/blahblahblah that I could convince the people I liked to like me back.
Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you? What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?
Being single at 27 is in some ways better than being 24 because aging often leads to self awareness, self improvement, and self acceptance. I’m comfortable with so much of me and I’ll never stop trying to improve upon the parts I’m not (progress never perfection).
Which leads me to the super clutch part of this game changer:
It’s time to get out of the grey area. It’s either “fuck yes or no.”
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.