1. My iPhone arrived today.

2. I have a Pinterest account. At first I only used it to look at tattoos and mustaches (wait, what?), but then I started using it like every other girl in the world to “pin” recipes that I’m too lazy to make and outfits that I’m too poor to buy.

3. I read The Hunger Games series. (And really liked it. Like the rest of the world.)

4. And I also read Fifty Shades of Grey. My friend Dana emailed it to me back in March with the following excerpt:

“Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?"
My mouth drops open. "Kinky fuckery?" I squeak.
"Kinky fuckery."
"I can’t believe you said that.’
"Well, I did. Answer me," he says calmly.
I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me.
"I like your kinky fuckery," I whisper.”

 

I mean, what choice did I have but to read it?

5. And finally, I find myself just as obsessed with whatshouldwecallme as everyone else:

When my boyfriend comes home after a long day at work

Oh Miss Bond, I hope you didn’t wear yourself out chasing after that band wagon.

Reading about Alyssa from Life of Blyss’s experience with skin cancer definitely made me pause for a second and think about the risks of the tanning bed.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready to go back to my pastey days.

I decided to look into alternatives, and found a coupon for a buy one get one free spray tan at Palm Beach Tans. The spray tan cost $50, so with the buy one get one free it ended up coming out to about $25 per tan. The Palm Beach tan employee told me the tan would last about 5 days. The spray tan came in three color options: a light, medium, and dark. She recommended I either go for the light or medium. I didn’t want to pay $50 to not be able to tell a difference, so I chose the medium.

The spray tan process is definitely a little intimidating the first time you do it. I was definitely reminded of the episode of Friends where Ross gets a spray tan.

The girl at salon recommending applying an accelerating lotion first, letting it dry completely, and then applying a special blending cream to my hands and feet (since these are the areas that tend to look funny with a spray tan). She also recommended I put the hair net on farther back past my hair line so that I didn’t get a tan line across my forehead.

The spray tan booth I used sprayed you four times—each time your body is in a different position so that you can get even coverage. It was important to make sure your palms never faced the spray because well, no one has tan palms. Afterwards, you stay in the booth for a dry-down. The whole process took less than five minutes.

After the spray tanning session, I lightly wiped my hands and feet off with a baby wipe, which the girl at the salon recommended I do to prevent any funny over-coloring in those areas. I was told the tan would show up after 4-6 hours, and not to get it wet within that time period.

I was extremely happy with the results of the spray tan. It wasn’t too dark, but it was noticeable enough that people asked me if I had been tanning.

It wasn’t streaky at all, although I did have a little bit of splotchiness on my inner arms. I’m guessing this is because my tanning poses weren’t that great. I also noticed that the tan fades faster in certain areas, like where your bra rubs against your skin and stuff.

So to summarize…

The Pros of Spray Tanning:

• Healthier
• Faster
• Pretty easy
• Looks awesome (for the most part)

The Cons of Spray Tanning:

• Expensive
• Has potential to go terribly wrong
• Doesn’t last that long
• Can be splotchy

Ultimately, I don’t think spray tanning is a financially reasonable solution for someone that wants to be “year-round brown.” I do, however, think it’s a great idea for someone that just wants to look tan for an event, like prom or a wedding.

For the most part, Carol is an absolute peach.

She lets me live in her house rent free. She takes me to get tattoos. She makes my dad exercise and eat healthy. What’s not to like?

Well.

This past weekend, Carol and I were in the parking lot of the liquor store (classy) waiting for my dad to get out of the grocery store. An older black woman approached us and asked us how we were doing.

Um. Good.

She then asked if we were sisters.

Um. She’s gonna be my stepmom.

“Ooooh mama you look good,” She said. “Daughter, step it up.”

So yeah. Thanks for making me look bad, C-dawg. I forgive you though ’cause you left me four mostly full bottles of liquor from this weekend. CHEERS.

My bandaid tattoo is by Matt from Pop’s Tattoo in Wheaton, MD.

I know what you’re thinking: Lexie, that tattoo is HIGHLY visible and you will never get a real job while you have that. Yeah, well, haters, I thought of that. And hopefully I would never wear anything that short to a job interview or real job. AAAAND if anyone has a problem with it, I will cover it with a bandaid. And laugh at how clever I am.

Oh and in cased you missed it:

Tattoo number three.

Tattoo number two and tattoo number one.

Can’t wait to get in the shower with this thing and feel the burn. (Wow that’s not a normal thing to get excited about at all, is it?)

Or anything that requires any sort of consistency.

Except eating.

I’m good at consistently eating.

And while we’re being honest, I’m really good at consistently checking myself out in reflective surfaces.

So anyway, we missed my two year anniversary with Margaret Thatcher.

Little fluffy and I have been through a lot in two years. We’ve lived in three different places and two different states together.

In honor of our anniversary, here are some fun facts about chinchillas:

• They have between 80-100 hairs per follicle, making their coat too thick for fleas.
• Chinchillas will do what’s called a fur slip and release a patch of fur if they are frightened. It is designed to help them escape the grasp of a predator. It will grow back and does not harm the chinchilla.
• They do not bathe in water, but dust instead.
• They live an average somewhere between 10-20 years.
• Chinchillas are nocturnal.
• To survive, they use a variety of defenses including spraying their enemy with urine and the ability to shed clumps of fur onto which the enemy has latched. (source)

And yes. Margaret Thatcher has sprayed me with urine before. And shed large clumps of his fur onto my clothing. It’s a good thing homeboy is cute.

I hope you have a nice Saturday. I’m gonna spend mine taking unflattering screenshots of Nicki Minaj.

Wanted: Trophy Wife. . .

I am looking to fill an immediate opening in my home, as soon as possible. The position will be demanding, but the perks of the job will absolutely outweigh the stresses of the day. Any applicants must be willing to perform a few simple day to day tasks. . .

First is to wake up every day in my arms. And even after we wake to lay there and enjoy that feeling of love and happiness. Before the kids bust through the doors, before the stress of the day even has a chance to make an appearance. . . just lay. After I am able to tear myself from your arms, you have an option: either enjoy a fine cup of loose leaf tea in bed, or by the fireplace. After. . . you make it through the tea, we get the kids ready for school, as a team. Pack lunches and snacks, get them dressed, breakfast as a family, and then off to catch the bus. At this point, I’ll be off for the day for another day at the office. . . but I will never rush off without holding you in my arms as if it were the last time. . . and just when I am about to let go, hold you for a little longer.

At this point in the day, you have some flexibility. . . you could spend some time catching up on the book you are trying to finish. Or head straight to the gym, in the brand new company car (our your choosing of course). This may include, but is certainly not limited to, any number of Zumba/Yoga/Crossfit/etc classes desired. All membership fees and workout clothes will be included as part of your compensation package. After the gym, please make full use of the whirlpool tub to relax. Or, if you don’t feel like the gym that day, head straight to the mall for some shopping or a pedicure or to get you hair done. . . all on the company credit card.

I hope your work environment will be suitable, as you will have your own corner office, with which you can fully focus on your writing career. Whether you are tinkering with a new concept, or putting the finishing touches on another masterpiece, this will be an ideal space with which to focus.

In the afternoon, you will have to pickup my son from preschool and perform an extremely important task. Have fun. Play in the playroom, take him to the park, play on the swing set, watch a movie with him. . . But be sure to save some of that energy for when my daughter gets off the bus. . .. And then the fun just continues. . . until I return home from the office. At this point I expect to be fully bombarded by my kids. . . dual hug style, knocking me to the floor, hands still full from just coming in the door. Once I regain my composure though, please be ready, because 8 hours of not being able to be by your side will be unbearable and my only thought in that moment will be to kiss you like it was our first and last kiss.

We’ll take turns cooking dinner. . . and often will prepare the meal together. We’ll eat as a family and listen to each other tell the stories of their days. After dinner, we’ll spend time with the kids together. Playing board games, doing homework, practicing instruments, singing songs, doing artwork, reading stories, going for bike rides. . .. After getting the kids off to bed, please be prepared to receive a massage by the fireplace, while the stresses and noises of the day go quiet.

Other perks, in no particular order: surprise picnics, weekend getaways, nights out for movies/dinners/concerts/etc, my singing you songs and leaving you notes, unbounded support for you writing career, boots. . . lots and and lots of boots. . . A true partner, in every sense of the word. . . in life, parenthood, friendship, and love. Finally, it will be my job to create a life with you. . . completely and utterly consumed by both passion and love.

Like, honestly, if I hadn’t just watched American Psycho for the first time last weekend, I probably would apply for that shit. Speaking of American Psycho, does anyone else think Scott Disick and the fictional character that is Patrick Bateman are like, the same person?

Okay yeah I just googled it. I’m not the first one to make this connection.

Of course that has nothing to do with this post, but I just thought you should know.

I also was oddly motivated to reorganize and clean my room, and then go on to clean the rest of the house. Perhaps this is fitting since I’m turning 23 on Friday. Perhaps the older you get, the more you “enjoy” cleaning?

While reorganizing my room, I decided to take my bed off its frame. I’ve been wanting a new frame…

One that was white, one that was iron (so the chinchilla couldn’t chew it), and one that I could string twinkle lights through like a douchebag.

But another reason I took my bed off its frame was so the chinchilla couldn’t poop under the bed anymore.

Margaret Thatcher was definitely not pleased with the change.

So more about what this post is about…

Planet Fitness is now offering Red Light Therapy at its gyms.

‘Red light easily penetrates the dermis and can help with a variety of skin conditions, such as acne, rosacea, scarring and eczema, as well as improving skin quality,’ says Jo Martin, clinical director of Mapperley Park Clinic and an expert in light therapy and laser treatments. ‘The heat and light boost circulation, bringing more blood and nutrients to the area,’ she explains.

‘It also instigates the release of chemical messengers called cytokines. As more cytokines are released, collagen-producing cells called fibroblasts leap into action. If healing is required, then the skin will heal; if it is already healthy, you will get a plumping effect from the extra collagen created.’ [Source]

So yeah, I was pretty surprised to see two huge Red Light Therapy rooms in my gym, because, you know, my gym doesn’t even have stair masters. I also guess it’s a little weird to have these right next to Planet Fitness’ tanning beds (although a lot of tanning salons offer red light therapy now.) Destroy your skin in one bed and repair it in the next?

I’ll probably eventually try out the red light therapy–especially since my skin has been pretty prone to acne lately. But I do wonder how effective the treatment is if you’re still using a tanning bed.

Have you ever tried red light therapy? Were you pleased with the results?

Oh look at this. An entire post without any pictures of me. How unusual. Lucky you.

It’s not like it was one of these nights…

But it was probably on the same level as this…

So although I don’t remember EVERYTHING, I definitely remember more than one person making fun of my phone (and I was one of them.) At one point, I recall seeing the Kin drowning in a puddle of gin and ginger ale that I had spilled on the floor (how do I get invited anywhere?!) and not wanting to rescue it because I didn’t think it deserved to live.

Luckily, I only have about one month left with the worst phone in the world…

Yep. In May I will have a real person phone. And that guy that told me not to bother texting him until I got a real phone? Well. Still not gonna text him.

But for some reason, everyone tried to talk me out of the leopard denim I decided I HAD to have after seeing it on Carrie Bradshaw Lied. Is leopard denim simply TOO much leopard for one outfit?

Because the leopard skinny jeans were only $22 at Target, I decided I didn’t care what anyone else had to say.

I have to say I really like the way they look with my WOWWs by Steve Madden.

Um. Don’t mind my Fred Flintstone toes.

And gaaaa bless you, Target.

Now that I’ve started to come into my own blogging voice, I want to revisit the idea of the naked face. On April 8, 2010, I posted about going a day without makeup.

“So today I decided to go without any make up at all. Does this concept seem absolutely bizarre to you? Daily, I feel the need to enhance my features and cover up my flaws. For one thing, no matter how much sleep I get, I always have dark circles. I cover them up EVERY DAY. And I always also wear at least a little bit of eyeliner. On most days I wear skin perfecter with SPF 15, concealer, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, bronzer, and lip gloss. My whole routine probably takes about 8 minutes. Even on days I go to the gym, I still take a small make up bag with me so that I don’t have to go the whole day without it. Well not today!

“Absolutely no make up and I feel amazing and fresh. I think everyone should definitely try going without makeup for at least a day. It feels great to just let your natural beauty show through!”

Ok. First of all, my own writing makes me want to vomit. Do you really need all those exclamation marks? You sound like a cheeseball. But at the same time, I look at myself and almost want to be that Lexie again. No matter what designer makeup I put on my face, no matter what color I dye my hair, no matter what pretty dress I wear, I don’t think I will ever look as young, energized, and well, beautiful as I do in that picture.

So when I was reading Caitlin’s blog about the naked face project and she suggested posting a picture on Facebook or writing a blog post about your naked face, I almost had to wonder whether I’d even be willing to post a picture of me without makeup. I’m no where near as confident as I was in 2010, and most of the confidence I do have comes from a well-executed face of makeup and a perfectly pieced together outfit.

But in the spirit of getting back to the Lexie that I used to be (minus the vomit-inducing writing style), I decided I want to post my naked face.

Ultimately, I love makeup. I could very easily spend my entire paycheck in Sephora.

But I do think it’s important to step back from time to time and look at—well, there’s no way not to put it cheesily—to look at what’s underneath.

Check out more naked faces here.