Then: Change my hair color.
Now: Out of curiosity, I looked to see the last time I had my hair done. De-fucking-cember. Two things I’ve actually decided aren’t compliments when it comes to hair:
- Your hair is so long! This is tricky because it almost sounds like a compliment but notice that the person said “long” and not “beautiful/pretty/pure sex.” I’m pretty convinced this is just a nice way to say “It’s time for a haircut, bitch.”
- You have mermaid hair! Oh cool. I look like I’ve been swimming in the ocean all day. Thanks.
Then: Get tattoos of sea life with facial hair.
Now: This is not a reasonable way to cope with a broken heart. If I keep getting tattoos every time I go through a break up, I will look like Kat Von D by the time I’m 35.
I will tell you a funny story about my last tattoo though. My first tattoo, for those who don’t know, was a white ink tattoo on my left wrist that says “Never Again.” Eight years later, I’ve pretty much done everything again that I said I would never do again. So when my friend Shaheen and I got drunk in Adams Morgan and ended up at the tattoo place on 18th, I think it’s pretty obvious what I decided to do. I got a white ink tattoo on my right wrist that says “Never Mind.”
And yes. That’s how you spell it, but thank you Nirvana for popularizing the one word spelling so that I can get in constant arguments with people who think I’m one the same level as the “no ragrets” guy.
Then: Do weird things with sleep aids (NyQuil brownies come to mind).
Now: I need sleep aids about as much as John Goodman needs a deep-fried Twinkie. I’m starting to think I might have narcolepsy. I feel asleep THREE TIMES yesterday during the middle of the fucking day. Now that I think about it, it might have been that entire bottle of Pinot I drank by the pool and not narcolepsy.
Then: Contemplate becoming a lesbian.
Now: Let’s be a little more open minded here. Why limit myself to a gender? You see that TLC special about the guy who dates pool inflatables? He might have the right idea.
Then: Experiment with hard drugs.
Now: Experiment with vitamins. What is it about being almost 30 that has me popping vitamin bottles like they’re Moet bottles? Probiotics changed my life and I’m so amped that I found collagen in chew form.
Then: Eat cheesecake.
Now: Bribe myself to work out. Every time I work out, I put money into a special bank account for my boob job. Working out 4x a week for a year could get me out of the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee by next summer.
Then: Watch more Internet porn than usual.
Now: Wonder if it’s inappropriate to watch Internet porn in a coffee shop because my new apartment still doesn’t have Internet.
One final note on the topic. I was telling one of my coworkers that I’ll be forever alone. He corrected me said that I’ll be forever free. Isn’t it funny how reframing something can completely change your narrative?