I thought I worked in a weird place. For example, on Friday, I found a churro in my Betsy Johnson.
“Alright. Which one of you fuckers put a churro in my purse?” I asked the office.
“Oh you know. Just your standard purse churro,” my coworker Sean said, as if everyone carries a churro in their purse at all times. You know—just in case.
But admittedly, my friend from high school has even better stories from her place of employment than I do. When I saw the following status she posted on Facebook the other day, I knew I had to interview her for Lex and the City:
“I might start a blog on the crazy things people say to me at the strip club.. Insanity.”
G (I won’t revel her name because I don’t want her to get in trouble at work) works as a server in at a strip club in Pittsburgh. For your reading pleasure, here’s the Facebook chat that G and I had tonight:
Lexie: Alright G. I’m dying to know some of the things guys say to you in the strip club.
G: Haha I hear the craziest things. I worked for Cinco de Mayo last night. Mexicans are perverts.
Lexie: Ew. I didn’t even know they had Mexicans in PA.*
G: I mean I don’t blame them I wear corsets, shorts and fishnets to work and ask guys to be respectful of me.. so I’m asking for it. I wear three bras and get mad when guys ask if my boobs are real.
Lexie: haha so they ask you if your boobs are real. what else.
G: I worked in the “private rooms” on Friday night and a guy paid me $500 dollars to let a stripper lick my tits... Im not going to lie I made a deal 350 she could lick them with my bra on he took the deal and I made out with 360 because he was so drunk he gave me too much
Lexie: now that’s just smart on your part
G: In these private rooms I was asked if ecstasy was illegal to give the girls. My response was its just illegal in general. but if he was handing it out… I was so taking some.
Lexie: well now i’m just jealous**
G: he didn’t give me any that girl was a lucky bitch got all the drugs to herself
Lexie: so you just bartend there? but you easily make out as well as the dancers?
G: No, lol I cocktail waitress and don’t even come close to the dancers. Last night a dancer made 700 working from 3-11 I worked 9-2 and only made 310 or something. Im walking around which is dangerous…
Lexie: so tell me some of the things the Mexicans said
G: They barely spoke English, they were soooo touchy. A guy brushed my hair with his fingers for a good half hour, which was painful because I curled it last night. Everytime I would go check to see if he needed a beer 6.00 he would pay with a 20 and I kept the change. He was weird. Asked me to dance and insisted on getting his change back in his hand so he could stuff it in one of my bras.. probably the only time I was happy I was wearing so many.
I had three men from texas last night that were buying a dancer drinks and til she was pretty tanked… looked at me and asked if the “rooms” upstairs were available to sleep in over night for they wanted to have their way with her. Like we were at an old time brothel..
G: We have features there almost every weekend. Which is awesome I befriended one of the features body guards and she has her own dildo line.. I got naked pictures with her and dildos every night I worked. I also got a nice collection of porn going. My boyfriend is pleased.
I have seen more vaginas then most men in their lives.
Lexie: yeah goddamn
G: I honestly still haven’t figured out why I appeal to big black men. i’m tiny.
Lexie: haha you appeal to everyone, i’m sure
i want a friend with a dildo line.
G: no. no. thats a good one. I wear enough glitter that epileptic kids would go into seizures if I moved fast enough around them, my face is black and I am white from my neck down, and my eyes look like one of those big black men punched me… in the very very dim lights I must say I look hot however bring me to daylight or hell any light and I look like a circus clown one man even gasped and said that he was disappointed I wasn’t that pretty
when you’re naked and you have all of ulta on your face everyone is attractive
Lexie: wow that’s harsh
G: My favorite is when people ask if my eyelashes are real… like first off why are you staring at my eyelashes?!
a guy wanted me to tickle him with them.. I did. He was a good tipper
Lexie: that’s kind of nice!
G: I’m becoming a spoiled brat though working at this club. Money wise. I can pick out a poor kid and a big spender in the club by the time they walk to the bar. Friday when I worked upstairs this guy hired a dancer for a half hour to give you an idea its about 220 dollars without tip to the dancer. Then I come in and ask the man if he wants to by the “lady” drinks or wants a drink for himself. Most cheap asses say yes because Im standing in front of him looking all like dick I walked up 200 stairs while you took the elevator you better get a drink
however, this guy said no he was from butler… why did that matter? Not everyone from butler is broke? What are butler people not thirsty?
Lexie: haha Butler.***
G: So, I go in five minutes before the half hour is over and warn them and see if they want to add more time to this experience. He said no. BUT he did want to vodka redbulls and a gingerale… a hefty 22.00 I asked him if he would like to tip the dancer… he said no. I went down stairs paid for the drinks and ran back up to find out he only had a whole 15.00 and could only afford one drink. AHHHH how did you expect to tip me for running up the stairs? He didn’t have an answer. I told him he could have one drink 8 told him it was 15 and kept all the money once I returned the drinks to the bar… he was a dick. I hope butler never comes back to pittsburgh
back to the eyelash guy what grown man wants to be tickled in public
Lexie: haha you make a good point
G: a guy last night put my hand on his pocket and said it was a pocket full of 100s I told him that didn’t impress me… stuck his hand on my hip and told him I had a pocket full of hundreds, stuck his hand on my tits and said full of hundreds.. he laughed and put my hand above his penis and asked if I was impressed… he won that contest.
i don’t hate it
so do you get a lot of good looking guys in there?
G: drop dead gorgeous.. and they all tell you the same line. “I’m not a pig… my friend wanted to come in here.” yeah, your friend named willy… who resides in your pants.
Lexie: meh all guys go to strip clubs
I’ve never been to one, surprisingly
G: really?! females there are even worse then guys.
Lexie: lol how so
G: Mainly because they are in competition with the 3812903 girls we have walking around and for some reason most girls go with their guys because they wanna appear as cool or confident. Girls are either super touchy to us and wanna be all lesbo or wanna rip your face off.
and go ahead I dare their guy to give you a 20 instead of 3 dollars for a beer… mine as well just hand it back to her cause she’s gonna start a fight with him and you’re not going to get any money the rest of the night
Lexie: haha yeah i can imagine that getting ugly
G: I hate working couples night. Scariest night
Lexie: what is couples night?
G: Usually there is a cover charge, but if you bring your other half its buy one get one so the girl gets in free basically… which sucks. Couples actually do this. WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?! I work at a strip club and I wouldn’t take my boyfriend there and I know everyone.
Lexie: yeah can’t say I’ve ever done that
G: Don’t. If there is a girl code everyone should be warned. It is not a good idea. Bachelor parties though… amazing. Best time. The guys are seriously amazing.
Lexie: what other specials do they have like this? father daughter night?
G: haha nah, couples night and amateur night which I believe is the same night. I don’t know much about dancing on a pole so all the tricks impress me…
On tuesdays and sundays college kids get in free… hottie nights.
however, with this job I am realizing the hottest kids are dirt poor.
Lexie: worth it?
G: is what worth it?
Lexie: poor guys that are hot. lol
G: I haven’t had a bad night money wise. Im dating someone so its not like Im going there to find my husband but, word to the single ladies… hit the strip club its full of single, rich men.****
*Relax, I have nothing against Mexicans.
**Relax, I don’t do ecstasy.
****I’ll be there on Friday. *****
*****Edited to add: This blog post is not meant to be an argument for why I should quit my job as a writer and start working at strip clubs. I know my limitations, people, and don’t need you to point them out to me in the comment section. Although you still can, I eat hate mail for breakfast. I eat everything. But you already knew that.